Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Bubba Gump Snow Primer

I realize that the winter weather in the South has been different the last few years... strange and somewhat scary. Fortunately, for my friends and relatives, I am here for you. I think I can help. Just follow these simple guidelines and I think you will be okay.

Wear the proper attire - no beach clothes. 
Notice that I do not have on cammo. 
The idea is NOT to blend in, so they will EVENTUALLY to find your body.

This thing is called a shovel. 
Big end goes down. 
It is fun for two shovelfuls.

This is where the snow goes. 
Don't get confused.

The stuff on the ground is called ice. 
It is not for a gin and tonic. 
I am demonstrating the proper falling position. 
You will land on your tailbone and be paralyzed for life. 
That is, if you are lucky.

The thing in my hand is called a scraper. 
Use it to remove the ice and snow from the windshield. 
It won't matter. 
By the time you get in the car, the windshield will be covered again. 
Why are you driving anyway?

Notice the driving position. 
Two hands on wheel ( inside the gloves will be the required white knuckles). 
Notice no phone in hand.
 You will need that hand to throw in front of your face on impact. 
Notice the primal scream. 
You will need that too, but it will come naturally.

Driving in the snow
 - this is you
- you don't know how
 - you don't have snow tires
 - you will kill the Easter Bunny.

You boys down South. 
This is NOT how you make a snow angel. 
 I repeat. 
This is NOT how you make a snow angel.

This is you having your heart attack. 
If it is not too cold, only wear one glove. 
You will need one hand to clutch your chest. 
The ungloved hand is better for dialing 911. 
Or wear two gloves. 
No one can drive, so the rescue squad ain't coming.